Dear Daddy..

Dear Daddy,
  You are in heaven and I assuming that they do not have the world wide web, unless they have upgraded like the rest of the world. Today is your birthday and I wish so very much that you could be here to play with my children, meet my husband, laugh with me and make my mother smile again. When you get down to the nitty gritty I can wish all I want in one hand and shit in the other and I guarente that I know which hand will fill up faster.
   There are so many things that I want to say to you. I miss you so bad it hurts somedays. I get mad at you some days to be quit honest. I know if you would of had the choice that you would not have left. But you did leave. You weren't there to give me advice on boys, help with homework, comfort my fears,  lecture my boyfriend before prom, hold my children, give me away at my wedding, teach me how to drive, there is so much that you have missed and I would give up so much for you to tell me that I will be okay. Hug me, kiss me, hold me. My inner child still needs you. I am not really mad at you, but at the situation I was forced to go threw.
  I was in that car with you. I lived. Why couldn't you? (this goes for you to Aldon). What did I do so wrong that I deserved to lose you at such a young age. I know we grow up and die. That is life. But you are not supossed to go until you are old and I am grown up. Not when I was a seven year old little girl who didnt even know what death was, let alone comprehend a parent dieing. Guess what, no matter how bad you want your dad he isn't coming... ever.
   I don't let this happen very often, but about once a year I break down and really let myself feel like pain of losing you. Its always there, but after years of you being gone the pain gets better and you get so busy you forget how much it hurts. Then something important happens and it hits you like a mack truck. The pain is there and fresh, just like the first day it happend. I think my breakdown day is coming up. There is so much going wrong in my life right, I just need you to tell me that it will be okay.
  I don't know if you know this but something else that buggs the hell out of me, is I never dream about you. That is what hurts the most. My mom dreams about you, they may not always be good dreams, but you are there, in her dreams, not mine. I don't know if you think I am not strong enough, or maybe you thnk I don't miss you enough and am not deserving of you to be in my dreams. I just don't understand it. Sometime I have one of those dreams where you are in the dream with everyone else, but you are also above, like also watching everything go on while you are doing it. Its at my my grandma and grandpa Dunhams house and there are my cousins Leroy, Shelly, Mariah, Rea and my brother and I in the back yard playing tag. We are always having so much fun, we are very young in this dream. That is the closet I get to dreaming about my brother.
  Another deep confesion to you.. I feel like I have let you down with the family. You and I both know that I do not visit your side as much as I should. It has been so long that I feel like a outsider now in the family and that pains me more then anyone will know. You are not here and my children need to see them more to understand more what there grandpa was all about and how he grew up. My children have cousin that they don't even know, they should playing together and growing up together. Things need to change, I want to know more about you.
   I think I have said most everything I have been needing to say. These things matter to me. I love you and miss you and am waiting to see you in my dreams.. Hugs from us down here on earth, give my brother a lot of love for me. As he is there with you, take care of him. All my love, your daughter..
Mrs. Beechum (all names in this post have been changed)

Oh yeah chetah girl...

Can someone ever go crazy from stress? Lack of sleep? Lack of motivation? Lack of sanity? I can't wait for this crap to be over! We better get some good news at the doctors! I am sick of being the only one to change diapers, give baths, wash dishes, cook dinner, sign everything, and blah blah. You don't realize how much you would miss your dominate hand until you can't use it anymore. Its putting a damper on everything. Even my sex life and that does not make me happy. Sometimes Edward gets mad at himself, gets mad at other people, and mad at the situation. I do to. Who would of ever thought that 3 weeks later we would still be messing with this thing. Word of advice.. please take seriously! For the love of sunshine do not EVER bite someone and do not EVER let anyone bite you and if they do get your ass to the hospital ASAP!! This shit is no joke.

My usually out of control four year old has actually been in control lately. She has learned what time out is and hates it. As she is going to her room she will usually yell and tell me she hates me but I reply with its not the first time and its not going to be last but mommy still loves you. I hope we keep this better attitude up!

Gracie, my one year old loves to scream. Screams for attention, food, toys, for fun, when annoyed, mad, or seeing something that is wrong, yeah she loves to scream. Man I wish she could talk. Marie the baby is huge! The doctors can't believe that she is so big. lol They want me to feed her food now because she eats to much formula.. haha She gonna be a big girl! lol

I hate when people do not use a blinker on the high way!! I seen two cars today who took turns being idiots with not using them and almost seen them crash about three times. I honestly do not know how they did not hit. Craziness!! 

Question for my readers.. if there are any.. You have read my blog, you know the situation with the hand. We all have done stuff we regret when we drink at one time or another. Shit happens and life goes on. But how would you feel if you were Edward and the friend that helped start that fight, wouldn't even call and say how are you doing? Its not like they didn't know each other, they GREW up together for Gods sake. Put on your big boy boxers and grow up. I think its getting past the point of a simple phone call now. Its been three weeks and no word.. hmm.. idk

Where are you?

I have been so out of my league these past few weeks. We thought the efing hand was getting better. But they think it is getting worse. So we did a test that was almost 12 hours to complete and are now awaiting the results. Hopefully they are good because I dont want to comprehend what our other option may be. Having Edward gone for those eight days really messed with our oldest daughters head. Every time we have to go to his doctors she wants to know if he has to stay again and when daddy will stay home forever. No matter how much we reasure her that he isnt going anywhere, she dont believe me. I wonder if she can see threw my lies? There is a small posibility he could go back for up to 6 weeks. I hate when the seriousness of life kicks in. I dont do good under stress, ask anyone. I instantly go into panic/stress/crabby mode and I dont know why. I try to work on this, but it doesnt get better. lol But I try..

On the positive I did enroll my daughter to go Cedey Crestor kintergarden this next school year. I have what I call "flash forwards". Just where I imagine what the future will be like. Looking at all those kids all going to be starting there school life together. I watch them play and talk together and they all for the most part get along. Before clicks are made, boyfriends are stollen, friendshipds lost, and whatever else life throughs at them. What will they all be like in 12 years when they all (or I hope all) of them gratuate? I gurantee they are not all going to be friends and playing together when that day happens.

I am also trying my hardest to find a job. Since Edward cant work right now with a bum dominent hand. I've tried a couple places and might have a lead at another. I just want to change my lifestyle, some people I hang out with, and become a better person for myself, my husband and my children. I dont think I am a bad person, but I could be better.

I am going to try and start blogging more, I really feel better when I am done. I got some good ones coming. Thanks for reading, or at least hope your reading.

What is this Mandy??

So I have taken control of my house! It is some what of a order and I woke up to a phone call saying my husband is coming home!! We are so excited, after 8 days in the hospital! :) Now that is not what this blog is about though. This is dedicated to my to my good friend "Mandy" (you know who are and I am using Mandy as a name because I thought you would like it :) This is more of a story about me and no I am not proud of what you are about to read but funny is funny and this is funny.

Mandy and I have been friends for about ten years. When we first got introduced we did not like each other well. One day we had plans to hang out with some mutual friends but the other friends backed out and as much as Mandy and I really didn't care for one another we decided to hang out together anyways. And guess what.. We got along great and became best friends and over time we have stoped talking to those other friends.. Funny how life works sometimes?

So after being inseperable for awhile there was a dollar store that opened up in town. We went there to go shoping. I know, it sounds so exciting. So after going down a few ailes I seen something that caught my eye.. Now before I continue on, yes I have a lot of moments like the one you are about to read and no I am not proud of them but they happen and I learn to live with it lol

"Mandy, what is this?" I ask.. "That is a rubber mallet." she replies. So bright smart ol' me grabs it with both hands and hits that bitch smack on for forhead. No, I don't know what I was thinking other then I heard the word rubber and thought it would be funny. Well it wasn't, it hurt like hell and left red spot for a few days if I remember right. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that was gonna hurt?" I demanded. "Well I didn't know you were gonna do that ya dork. Its hard but just has a rubber coating." I learned to ask what things were before I decided to hit myself with them. *LmAo*

I will continue with some more of my stories but this was emaressing enough to relive again. I have gotten better thoughout the years and learned to stop saying "I'm confused" so much. LoL

*uPdAtE*

Edward is home now after eight days in the hospital, multiple surgeries, a hole going straight threw his hand, and taking some serious anti biotics for a couple weeks. We both learned some lessons threw all of this and learned that we seriously became very close to losing him, perminetly. That is a thought I don't even want to begin to comprehend. Glad my family is back together, even if only for a few days, my mom has to go on a vacation for a couple months and she will be the one missed. God look out over our family..

Lonely, exhausted, married mother of three is looking for her husband...

This is the thing that has taken my husband from me for the last five days in the hospital and seven days since it has happened. Did I mention they will think about letting him come home Monday? What?!? Seriously!!

So the one night I decide to turn off my phone to get some sleep, the next day played hell on me. I woke up Thrusday morning to the police knocking on my door. My first thought is great, what the hell did my brother in law do this time (but that is another story, for another post or maybe even a whole new blog)..  I guess the hospital was trying to contact me since seven a.m. to tell me that they need me to sign paper work and that Edward needs to be transfered to a bigger/better hospital with a hand specialest. The infection started spreading again after they thought they had it under control. I got to spend most of Thursday with him, which was nice. Its the little things I miss about him. Yesterday I took the whole family down, which is always interesting taking them all out at once. Thank God I had my mom there to help. You should see me take these three anywhere alone. Although, by the time Edward gets back I will be a pro. What am I not doing so good at? Managing my house! I have so much laundry, dishes, sweeping, moping, blah blah blah to do. By the time I am done stoping the oldest two from fighting, or feeding, changing and intertaining the baby, which I also have to do with the middle one, and keep the oldest from talking back to me or listening to me for that matter I am exhausted... but then something comes up and I never make it to the cleaning. Well today I am taking control of the situation! I am going clean my little heart out! I know things are crazy in my life right now, but that doesn't mean I have to let it take over my life. I can do this, even if it is a few weeks of Nick recouperating, it will be ok.

Keep checking in, you can follow by email now and there is also a survery to fill out. Lately I have been feeling like a blogging maniac! haha

Some thoughts I sit and ponder..

Before you read any further I just want you to know that I am not a God hater. And if you are not someone who is open to view other peoples thoughts then do not read any furthur!! I mean it!!


Mind I warn you that my thoughts sometimes wonder off and only make sense to me but I hope it makes sense to you also in some way...

Do I want to believe in God? Yes, I honestly do. Do I believe in God? I honestly do not know. I think to myself sometimes what kind of a God would take away a seven year olds dad and brother, give her some pre cervical cancer bullshit that later causes my first daughter to be born five and half weeks early be in a nicu unit for ten days (which I know other people have it worse so I am not complaining,.. that much) also to have me seven days after giving birth have seizures that landed me in the hospital for three days, then having my moms fiance' pass away and my mother in law pass away also miscarraying our very first pregnancy,give my second child a whole in her heart that isn't getting bigger (but its also not gettting smaller) and so much more that the list could go on and on and on..

But then I think to myself, this God also let my daughter that was born early catch up to normal kids her age within four months, gave me the best husband on earth (I don't care what you think about him either), three beautiful daughters, pretty flowers to look at every year, a house to live in, a mom who would die for me at the drop of a hat, and even though I only had my dad and brother for a short time, they were the best dad and brother ever, the sun comes up every day and the moon comes out every night. I thank someone  or something for this every day.

I know that if you believe in heaven then you have to believe in hell.. right? So if we are lucky enough to make it to heaven (which I am sure 98.99% of won't make it there) but if you are lucky enough to make it there then what.. you are there forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.. I think you get the picture. How would you never not get bored? But I do hope and believe that I will someday see my dad, brother, friends, mother in law and so may friends and family that I have lost or not even met for that matter.

Hell.. damnnation.. burning, suffering, heat, sweat, miserary.. that is not a place I want to go or even want to think about. Why would a God want to send anyone to such a horible place? Unless you are rapest, molester, killer, something crazy and actually deserving to be in a place like that. Then you can go down there and rot!

Anyways, sorry got carried away there for a minute.

I want the answer to the whys and what ifs.. But that is another story for another time.

NO I am not a God hater, I just am open to understanding how we got here and became what we are and why...

A slap in the face.. *SmAck*

So I take my husband to the hospital yesterday and I talk to the Dr. in the hallway..

Dr. "M'am if you would of waited any longer to bring your husband in, he could of lost his hand, arm or very possibly his life."

Me: *starts balling like a baby* "I didn't know I am so sorry!"

Dr: "He is her now and as long as he stays he will be fine, its just a matter of when."

I tell you what, if I needed an eye opener or heart attack they could of skiped that one to do it to me!

I do love and appreciate my husband, but not until then did I realize how much! I want to give a shot out to you single mothers, the ones who actually do do it on there own, everyday. It is HARD!! But it is fun being just the girls at the same time. Tomorrow we might do a mani/pedi day at home. Back to my husband, Edward. He is doing fine but won't be coming home until the earliest Friday. They have him on three iv antibitoics and twice a day they put him under, open the wound and flush it out with a antibiotic spray. I say we go out drinking more often! LoL NOT! We are good for a very long time!