Another good day but after a bad start

So I got next to no sleep last night. For about a week Marie has been very hard to get asleep and stay asleep but last night was the worst. Not only was she awake until 3am but she also wouldn't stop crying. So after going to bed after three, back up at five to feed her and back up at eight with the other kids. My husband decided to get up after noon again and to top it off he woke up being a asshole. I won't get into details but it resulted in me taking the kids and telling him I won't be back all day until he can learn to stop being such a prick. That resulted in us being gone for two and a half hours and that was mostly because of a doctors appointment. My friend I would normally visit, Victoria, is gone for awhile because her daughter had back surgery today. I had no where to go lol Got back and things were good!

Being honest..

Today I finally told my mother about how I felt about some things. I think we both got our feelings hurt but in the end I think more good came from it, I hope. It felt good to finally say a few things that I despertly needed to get out of my mind and off of my chest.

I love you mom, I hope you know that! :)

Its getting better all the time..

Things are going a lot better then they were a couple nights ago. Nacole is listening better, a little. lol  At least she isn't making me want to pull my hair out so that is good. lol Today is mostly Grace, my one year old. She doesn't talk much but she likes to scream. Scream for food, drinks, toys, help, to let you know something isn't right and so much more. She does know how to say more but its more like "mow-uh" so that sounds like a broken record sometimes. lol I love it though, all of it. Even those days that I want to pull out my hair. Marie, the baby has been very fussy lately at night. I think she is getting her days and nights mixed up.

Friday night I went out on another much needed Friday night out with muh lady, Jamie Youngman. It was intended to be "just a couple drinks" for a hour or so and it turned into me not returning for hours, drunk to wear I don't remember things, and coming home at 2:30 am with a note on my bedroom window from my mother talking about how her idea of a lil while and mine were completly different...opps I guess. lol But I had fun, except for the hangover and fuzziness.

I have been looking into my life and why I am so depressed with it lately and I think I have nailed it down to a couple specific things. 1. no job. I love working and have worked in a local movie store off and on for five years. Off being when I was pregnant and being prego two years in a row didn't help me the last two years so now I got to wait for someone to leave before I can return. So I guess this week is serious job hunting time! 2. This weather! When the sun doesn't shine for so long and you can't go outside whenever you want I honestly believe it changes how you feel. And for me it makes me lazy and sleepy and with three kids that is not good!! 3. I need more positive and less negative in my life. In all areas of my life.

Hopefully things will be looking up!

Really?! I have never been so embaressed in my life!

A look into a day of my life.. prepare yourself..

 Yesterday a friend of ours we have not seen in awhile stoped by. Since I last talked to them we have had two more daughters and officially gotten married. So Edward gets a phone call, a friend needs his help. My first thought as he leaves is please hurry. Not even 15 minutes after he walks out the door Nacole thinks it will be funny to try and undermine everything I say. She starts sticking this wand thing in my face so I ask her nicely a couple times to stop, after thinking it is funnier and funnier to her I take it away and put it up out of reach. This then leads to histaricle crying/screaming/whining a bunch of "I hate you moms", "i want my daddy", then on top of it my 3 month old, Marie starts screaming because by now Kailynne and I have woke her up our screaming because by now I am about ready to strangle her as she hits me and screams like a wounded coyote all because she just wouldn't listen. So I pick up Marie trying to get her calmed down while my friend is looking at me with the look of "man I do not wish I was you, not even for a second." Finally I grab Nacole by her arm and escort her in the bedroom, with a three month old in my left arm, a four year old fighting me with my right arm, I finally get her in the room and tell her she better not come out until she can act respectful. Ok at this point I have the situation contained.. until.. remember I told you my mom lives with us.. so the situation is contained until my mom decides to open her bedroom door and yell "wtf is going on here? Why are you always fighting with Nacole? NACOLE! Come hang out with Grandma honey. I will be nice to you." OMG! Are you fucking serious? You did not just come out and yell at me in front of my friend about how I am dicaplining my kid who is getting out of control when I had the situation under control!! So now my friend is looking at me like "omg I can't believe your mom just did that." I tell her.. "Welcome to my life."

You see I have a mother whom I honestly think sometimes thinks that I hate my oldest child, when that is FARTHEST from the truth. Do I get disgureged sometimes, yes, do I lose my temper sometimes, yes, do I wish she would listen to me, yes. Does that mean I don't love her, NO! That girl is my world and I look at how smart and beautiful she is and I want her to take on this thing we call life and beat it in the head and show the world she is better then greentown michigan!! You see Nacole is 4, but she thinks it is okay to hit, scream when she doesn't get her way, a LOT of the time when you ask her to do something, or not do something for that matter and she will go out of her way to do the oppisite of what was said. I know she is a kid, but kids I know listen to their parents. But in my case it is just me she won't listen to, she wouldn't dare pull this when her dad is around. I don't mean to be venting about Nacole when it is really my mom I need to vent about. Do I think Nacole would behave different if grandma wasn't there to yell at me for yelling at her or making comments under her breath all the time that she thinks my husband and I can't hear about how "mean we are" to one kid but not the other? Did I mention there is a 3 year age difference between my oldest and middle child? So yes I do treat them different because you can't punish a one year old and a four year old the same way, can you? I mean at four you know certin things are bad/naughty and you shouldn't do them, at one you are learning what you can and can't do. So yes, when Grace and Marie start talking and being mouthy and not listen they will get in the same amount of trouble. I love my mother do death, she has been threw hell and back in her lifetime, but my only wish would be for the comments and undermining to STOP!!!!! But I don't see that happening because I have asked more then once and it still continues.. Anyways, by the time Nacole was done throwing her fit and my mom embaressing me and my friend was ready to leave I was so embarresed, oh and at this point Edward decides to walk threw the door and the kids all act like nothing happened and that mom was about to enroll herself in the nearest nut house. LoL

What scares me most..?

I do NOT want my kids to be kids that you don't want to be around, you know what I am talking about. Right now Nacole gets very bossy when she has friends over, she is always in your face when she talks to you. I, as a mother, only want my children to be there best selfs. I try to teach my daughters that there are certin things as ladies we don't do and as a kid there are a lot of times you are going to be told no, not because I don't love them, but because I don't want them to think the world owes them anything, I want them to know you work for what you want, you show respect for people or you will not get respect back, keep a clean bedroom will help you keep a clean house when you grow up, ya know? The ways of life.. Your not gonna be a kid forever. I LOVE YOU NACOLE, GRACE, AND MARIE SO MUCH, YOU GIRLS ARE MY WORLD AND I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOU, REACH FOR THE STARS AND BLOW EM UP, SHOW THIS WORLD HOW BRIGHT YOU CAN SHINE!

sorry but I really needed a venting post..

a little into high school...

 I attended BHS for my first semester of high school. After that I went to an alternative high school that I gratuated from. I will say there are some ups and downs about attending an alternative high school. First let me say that yes there were some, but very few kids that were very bad that were sent there, but for the most part besides the education it was a good school. I have met some of my best friends at that school and even though some of them I don't talk to as much I would like. The first friend (don't think I am gonna get into all my friends, just a couple important ones) I would like to mention is "Mike." This is how Mike and I met.. I was attending school for a few weeks and I didn't really talk to anyone, seriously. Not because I was rude, I just didn't feel very comfterable with myself at that age/stage in my life. Anyhow back to how we met..

Mike: "You know everyone at this school thinks your a stuck up bitch?"

Me: silence

Mike: "Well just so you know we are going to sit at this table everyday and bug you until you talk to me." (There were two people that did this to me, but Mike did most the talking)

Me: Silence

About a week went by until we had this conversation

Mike rambling on about something. He would sit there and just start talking like we were best friends..

Me: "Don't you ever shut the hell up?"

Mike: "Yes I do.." he says..

Me: "OMG you are so annoying.."

From that day we started talking and to this day we are still best friends. I love you JC and not in a omg gross way but glad your my brother kind of way. Through him I met my future friends and through those friends I found my future husband. Anyways.. JC and I have laughed, cried, introduced our moms who became friends, but never has it been anything more. Willl TRY to finish later.. sorry i get bored after awile lol

Marriage via two

  There are lies and there are secrets.. is there really a difference? I believe the answer is yes and no. I look back on the nine years Edward and I have been together and there are two things that I think he would be disapointed in me, but he doesn't know, so is that bad? You wanna know what they are dont ya? Well just like him you will never know. ;) OR maybe when I can man-up I will tell him and maybe you.. but don't expect it for a long time to come and don't think it is cheating or anything that comes close to it so don't get your panties in a bunch. But I sit here with these two secrets and wonder, does he have any from me? It hurts me to think that he would, but then we all have our own secrets. I don't believe I have ever lied to him though, a real lie.. I might do a little white lie and say "I'm passing century place" when I am really just leaving Meijer parking lot...lol But never have I lied to him to cause him pain or heartach. I am very proud of this. I love this man and wouldn't know what to do without him!!

Edward who...? Amanda who...?

When I met Edward I had dated but never actually done it with anyone. When Edward met me, from what I have heard, he had 'been around the block' so to say but never had a girlfriend. When they say opposites attract, could they be right? lol Teen years for me were school work, ocasional drunkin' night, lots of friends coming to my house to hang out and play games, watch movies, whatever.. Edwards teen years consisted of girls, alcohol, drugs, girls, friends and who the hell honestly know what else lol One night some friends needed a place to drink (because we were all under age shhhh if my kids ask I never did bad things..ever!! lol Anyhow it was our first time meeting and I swear the moment I seen him I knew that man was going to have a impact on my life!! And he did/does!!  Will finish my point later right now I got three beautiful girls crying lol
   

Turning points..

I have nailed my life down to a few turning points. First would be when I was seven and my dad and brother passed away, although we have kind of touched base about this once.. Next would be when I found out I was pregnant right out of high school, then having my mother in law pass away and then losing the baby two weeks after her. Then it would be turning 21 and finding out you are pregnant two weeks later, then learning that your cervix doesn't want to hold the baby 'up' so you get put on bed rest to have your water break 6 weeks early, having a baby that you can't take home with you. And let me tell you there is no worse feeling then knowing you have to leave this beautiful thing you created at the hospital for two weeks so she can get strong enough to come home. A week after birth I had 5 seizures due to eclampsia (not pre-clampsia) and got readmited. We both got to go home together three days later. But I look back at my pictures of my 21st birthday and I look at that as the last time I got to be 'me.' The old me.. After that birthday my life was about to change so much and I didn't have a clue. FIve years later my boyfriend whom I was begining to wonder if he was ever gonna man up and propose got married and we have three wonderful daughters. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing!! That little 5lb baby has grown into a beautiful four year old, my one year old walks around always trying to get naked and yelling "Mia" or "more" and my three month old is the spitting image of her middle sister in looks but in attitude she is just like her big big sister Nacole.
  Life has thrown us many curve balls but we come out swinging... homeruns!!

Part two to my advice section will be posted soon..

Its going on nine years!! :) Some marriage "advice" part uno one

 As I have stated before I met Edward when I was 17 and he 18. So no joke this April we will be celebrating nine years together. I love this man with all my heart and soul, I can't imagine him not being in my life, he is my best friend and the one I rely on when times get tough. Yes all that is 100% true, but I can also say that there are times when he is a self centered ass, piss me off so bad I just wanna grab the closest pan and knock him out (no I have never actually done this), and there are times I want to tell him to get out and leave. But the thing about it is that I love him and he loves me and we know how to get under each others skin. Just because you argue or think these things doesn't mean you should call it quits and leave, that is not always the easiet option no matter how much you think it is.
  I look at a lot of my friends and so many of them are fighting and calling it quits or thinking about it. When you get into those fights or disagrements know that it is okay, it is normal. Look back on the day you met, your wedding day, the birth of your children, the birthday parties, holidays, remember those memories and think to yourself that you will not be making those memories anymore. There have been many times it probably would of been a lot easier to walk away and leave, but we didn't. We toughed out that road called life and gave her a slap in the face! You can't break us down and I hope the same goes for you in your relationship. More to come...
Mrs. Beechum
  

Mommy got to be a woman for one night...finally!!

Nacole, Grace and Marie (in order of age). Those three little girls are my world. My life, every decision I make, everything I do revolves around them. Some days I love it and some days I don't. I think if all mother were completly honest with themselfs, they would say the same thing. But there are only three people in this world I would give my life for without a single hesitation and those are the three little girls you see at the top of this post.


*momma got to be a woman for one night... finally*

My husband has a friend he grew up with and they each others best mans in each others weddings. "Lynel" and "Jessie" are there names. There daughter is friends with my daughter (and I can't believe that my oldest daughter has her "own" set of friends). So the other night Jessie calls and asked to go out. So Edward went and hung out with Lynel while we walked across the street to one of the local bars. First I want to send out a major thank you to Mrs. JY!! I love ya and had so much fun, you don't even know!! We got there and started with a cocktail followed by a couple shots. Had another drink followed by freezing our asses off to have a ciggerette, yes I know, bad habbit. After a few more shots I finally got the nerve to dance. The night resulted in someone stealing my liter and all my cigs but one half of a cig I had left, one of my bff's baby dady hitting on me (eww gross and LAME in more then just one way), Jessie and I showing back up to her place and me remembering bits and peices of laughing like I haven't laughed in awhile, picking on Lynel about going bald, and wanting burger king. But the point is I got to feel like the old me, and I havent been able to be her in awhile. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I define myself as the old me and the new me. Like there is a speciffic moment that "changed" me. But there isn't. Life just happens and you deal with what you were dealt and you learn from it or you don't. Being the old me was fun for the night, but I love being the new me.

A couple things i take pride in..

Tonight I am going to tell you about things that I take pride in being and not being as a person. I do not consider myself a jelouse person. Although there were a couple girls over the nine years I have been with Edward that have made me try my tolerence with them.. First there was 'Vicki' whom had some real nice quads and she new that Edward liked them.. So that turned into her coming to our house with those stupidly fun things and after awhile I got pissy and put a stop to that. No I was not jelous in all honesty, but come on, who does that..
  Then there was 'Ruby'. She really is not worth talking to much about.. lol She learned that no girl has nothing on me when it comes to HIM.
  We also know a person whom I will call 'Sally' in this post.. she likes to call my husband when there are problems or things that need to be done around her place. Although most of that was about two years ago and I put an end to that right away... he has to much shit to do at OUR house. :) I am not the type to get jealous if he glances at a girl now and then (he knows I do this to, but with men) I dont care if a girl is naked on tv or half naked on tv or in a magazine.. they cant jump out and hump him from those pages. lol The point is that threw the girls who have TRIED to take him from me have failed.. and some of the guys over the nine years that have tried to get me all failed. I truely believe it is because we have trust, communication and respect for one another. I believe that I am one of very few woman who can honestly say that I believe with all my heart that I have a husband who will never cheat on me, hurt me, leave me and our children or do anything that would wreck what we have.

Another thing that I take pride in is not being a controling psycho wife as he is not a controlling psyco husband. I will stay with the kids while he goes and does things with his friends and I know that he would do the same, but here is the problem.. I have no friends. Well at least none that are just MINE. I do have one frined, Leigh, whom we have had a rocky relationship but it seems to be getting better although half the time she is staying up north with her fiance. Then there is Micheal, he has been there for me threw so much and he is my bff!! He never judges me and always gives his opinion weather it will hurt or not. He is honest and I love just like a brother and he knows it. But I have no chilrhood friends that know me from when I was a kid and did stupid things. lol I miss them.. anyways, off track.. tonight I had a little 'pitty party' I got upset because his friend invited him over to do guy things and I kinda freaked out, its not like he does this all the time. But when is it my turn? I have had three children in five years and pregnant for the last two. I love my kids to death but when is it my turn to forget I am a wife and a mother (for pretend for just one night) and have fun?? lol My birthday is on a Saturday this year.. I will be 26. I want to party, I don't care if it is at the bar or at my house with some close friends and family. I just want to have fun and party, but I got ten bucks that says it will be another night in, like every night.. lol