Dear Daddy..

Dear Daddy,
  You are in heaven and I assuming that they do not have the world wide web, unless they have upgraded like the rest of the world. Today is your birthday and I wish so very much that you could be here to play with my children, meet my husband, laugh with me and make my mother smile again. When you get down to the nitty gritty I can wish all I want in one hand and shit in the other and I guarente that I know which hand will fill up faster.
   There are so many things that I want to say to you. I miss you so bad it hurts somedays. I get mad at you some days to be quit honest. I know if you would of had the choice that you would not have left. But you did leave. You weren't there to give me advice on boys, help with homework, comfort my fears,  lecture my boyfriend before prom, hold my children, give me away at my wedding, teach me how to drive, there is so much that you have missed and I would give up so much for you to tell me that I will be okay. Hug me, kiss me, hold me. My inner child still needs you. I am not really mad at you, but at the situation I was forced to go threw.
  I was in that car with you. I lived. Why couldn't you? (this goes for you to Aldon). What did I do so wrong that I deserved to lose you at such a young age. I know we grow up and die. That is life. But you are not supossed to go until you are old and I am grown up. Not when I was a seven year old little girl who didnt even know what death was, let alone comprehend a parent dieing. Guess what, no matter how bad you want your dad he isn't coming... ever.
   I don't let this happen very often, but about once a year I break down and really let myself feel like pain of losing you. Its always there, but after years of you being gone the pain gets better and you get so busy you forget how much it hurts. Then something important happens and it hits you like a mack truck. The pain is there and fresh, just like the first day it happend. I think my breakdown day is coming up. There is so much going wrong in my life right, I just need you to tell me that it will be okay.
  I don't know if you know this but something else that buggs the hell out of me, is I never dream about you. That is what hurts the most. My mom dreams about you, they may not always be good dreams, but you are there, in her dreams, not mine. I don't know if you think I am not strong enough, or maybe you thnk I don't miss you enough and am not deserving of you to be in my dreams. I just don't understand it. Sometime I have one of those dreams where you are in the dream with everyone else, but you are also above, like also watching everything go on while you are doing it. Its at my my grandma and grandpa Dunhams house and there are my cousins Leroy, Shelly, Mariah, Rea and my brother and I in the back yard playing tag. We are always having so much fun, we are very young in this dream. That is the closet I get to dreaming about my brother.
  Another deep confesion to you.. I feel like I have let you down with the family. You and I both know that I do not visit your side as much as I should. It has been so long that I feel like a outsider now in the family and that pains me more then anyone will know. You are not here and my children need to see them more to understand more what there grandpa was all about and how he grew up. My children have cousin that they don't even know, they should playing together and growing up together. Things need to change, I want to know more about you.
   I think I have said most everything I have been needing to say. These things matter to me. I love you and miss you and am waiting to see you in my dreams.. Hugs from us down here on earth, give my brother a lot of love for me. As he is there with you, take care of him. All my love, your daughter..
Mrs. Beechum (all names in this post have been changed)

Oh yeah chetah girl...

Can someone ever go crazy from stress? Lack of sleep? Lack of motivation? Lack of sanity? I can't wait for this crap to be over! We better get some good news at the doctors! I am sick of being the only one to change diapers, give baths, wash dishes, cook dinner, sign everything, and blah blah. You don't realize how much you would miss your dominate hand until you can't use it anymore. Its putting a damper on everything. Even my sex life and that does not make me happy. Sometimes Edward gets mad at himself, gets mad at other people, and mad at the situation. I do to. Who would of ever thought that 3 weeks later we would still be messing with this thing. Word of advice.. please take seriously! For the love of sunshine do not EVER bite someone and do not EVER let anyone bite you and if they do get your ass to the hospital ASAP!! This shit is no joke.

My usually out of control four year old has actually been in control lately. She has learned what time out is and hates it. As she is going to her room she will usually yell and tell me she hates me but I reply with its not the first time and its not going to be last but mommy still loves you. I hope we keep this better attitude up!

Gracie, my one year old loves to scream. Screams for attention, food, toys, for fun, when annoyed, mad, or seeing something that is wrong, yeah she loves to scream. Man I wish she could talk. Marie the baby is huge! The doctors can't believe that she is so big. lol They want me to feed her food now because she eats to much formula.. haha She gonna be a big girl! lol

I hate when people do not use a blinker on the high way!! I seen two cars today who took turns being idiots with not using them and almost seen them crash about three times. I honestly do not know how they did not hit. Craziness!! 

Question for my readers.. if there are any.. You have read my blog, you know the situation with the hand. We all have done stuff we regret when we drink at one time or another. Shit happens and life goes on. But how would you feel if you were Edward and the friend that helped start that fight, wouldn't even call and say how are you doing? Its not like they didn't know each other, they GREW up together for Gods sake. Put on your big boy boxers and grow up. I think its getting past the point of a simple phone call now. Its been three weeks and no word.. hmm.. idk

Where are you?

I have been so out of my league these past few weeks. We thought the efing hand was getting better. But they think it is getting worse. So we did a test that was almost 12 hours to complete and are now awaiting the results. Hopefully they are good because I dont want to comprehend what our other option may be. Having Edward gone for those eight days really messed with our oldest daughters head. Every time we have to go to his doctors she wants to know if he has to stay again and when daddy will stay home forever. No matter how much we reasure her that he isnt going anywhere, she dont believe me. I wonder if she can see threw my lies? There is a small posibility he could go back for up to 6 weeks. I hate when the seriousness of life kicks in. I dont do good under stress, ask anyone. I instantly go into panic/stress/crabby mode and I dont know why. I try to work on this, but it doesnt get better. lol But I try..

On the positive I did enroll my daughter to go Cedey Crestor kintergarden this next school year. I have what I call "flash forwards". Just where I imagine what the future will be like. Looking at all those kids all going to be starting there school life together. I watch them play and talk together and they all for the most part get along. Before clicks are made, boyfriends are stollen, friendshipds lost, and whatever else life throughs at them. What will they all be like in 12 years when they all (or I hope all) of them gratuate? I gurantee they are not all going to be friends and playing together when that day happens.

I am also trying my hardest to find a job. Since Edward cant work right now with a bum dominent hand. I've tried a couple places and might have a lead at another. I just want to change my lifestyle, some people I hang out with, and become a better person for myself, my husband and my children. I dont think I am a bad person, but I could be better.

I am going to try and start blogging more, I really feel better when I am done. I got some good ones coming. Thanks for reading, or at least hope your reading.

What is this Mandy??

So I have taken control of my house! It is some what of a order and I woke up to a phone call saying my husband is coming home!! We are so excited, after 8 days in the hospital! :) Now that is not what this blog is about though. This is dedicated to my to my good friend "Mandy" (you know who are and I am using Mandy as a name because I thought you would like it :) This is more of a story about me and no I am not proud of what you are about to read but funny is funny and this is funny.

Mandy and I have been friends for about ten years. When we first got introduced we did not like each other well. One day we had plans to hang out with some mutual friends but the other friends backed out and as much as Mandy and I really didn't care for one another we decided to hang out together anyways. And guess what.. We got along great and became best friends and over time we have stoped talking to those other friends.. Funny how life works sometimes?

So after being inseperable for awhile there was a dollar store that opened up in town. We went there to go shoping. I know, it sounds so exciting. So after going down a few ailes I seen something that caught my eye.. Now before I continue on, yes I have a lot of moments like the one you are about to read and no I am not proud of them but they happen and I learn to live with it lol

"Mandy, what is this?" I ask.. "That is a rubber mallet." she replies. So bright smart ol' me grabs it with both hands and hits that bitch smack on for forhead. No, I don't know what I was thinking other then I heard the word rubber and thought it would be funny. Well it wasn't, it hurt like hell and left red spot for a few days if I remember right. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that was gonna hurt?" I demanded. "Well I didn't know you were gonna do that ya dork. Its hard but just has a rubber coating." I learned to ask what things were before I decided to hit myself with them. *LmAo*

I will continue with some more of my stories but this was emaressing enough to relive again. I have gotten better thoughout the years and learned to stop saying "I'm confused" so much. LoL

*uPdAtE*

Edward is home now after eight days in the hospital, multiple surgeries, a hole going straight threw his hand, and taking some serious anti biotics for a couple weeks. We both learned some lessons threw all of this and learned that we seriously became very close to losing him, perminetly. That is a thought I don't even want to begin to comprehend. Glad my family is back together, even if only for a few days, my mom has to go on a vacation for a couple months and she will be the one missed. God look out over our family..

Lonely, exhausted, married mother of three is looking for her husband...

This is the thing that has taken my husband from me for the last five days in the hospital and seven days since it has happened. Did I mention they will think about letting him come home Monday? What?!? Seriously!!

So the one night I decide to turn off my phone to get some sleep, the next day played hell on me. I woke up Thrusday morning to the police knocking on my door. My first thought is great, what the hell did my brother in law do this time (but that is another story, for another post or maybe even a whole new blog)..  I guess the hospital was trying to contact me since seven a.m. to tell me that they need me to sign paper work and that Edward needs to be transfered to a bigger/better hospital with a hand specialest. The infection started spreading again after they thought they had it under control. I got to spend most of Thursday with him, which was nice. Its the little things I miss about him. Yesterday I took the whole family down, which is always interesting taking them all out at once. Thank God I had my mom there to help. You should see me take these three anywhere alone. Although, by the time Edward gets back I will be a pro. What am I not doing so good at? Managing my house! I have so much laundry, dishes, sweeping, moping, blah blah blah to do. By the time I am done stoping the oldest two from fighting, or feeding, changing and intertaining the baby, which I also have to do with the middle one, and keep the oldest from talking back to me or listening to me for that matter I am exhausted... but then something comes up and I never make it to the cleaning. Well today I am taking control of the situation! I am going clean my little heart out! I know things are crazy in my life right now, but that doesn't mean I have to let it take over my life. I can do this, even if it is a few weeks of Nick recouperating, it will be ok.

Keep checking in, you can follow by email now and there is also a survery to fill out. Lately I have been feeling like a blogging maniac! haha

Some thoughts I sit and ponder..

Before you read any further I just want you to know that I am not a God hater. And if you are not someone who is open to view other peoples thoughts then do not read any furthur!! I mean it!!


Mind I warn you that my thoughts sometimes wonder off and only make sense to me but I hope it makes sense to you also in some way...

Do I want to believe in God? Yes, I honestly do. Do I believe in God? I honestly do not know. I think to myself sometimes what kind of a God would take away a seven year olds dad and brother, give her some pre cervical cancer bullshit that later causes my first daughter to be born five and half weeks early be in a nicu unit for ten days (which I know other people have it worse so I am not complaining,.. that much) also to have me seven days after giving birth have seizures that landed me in the hospital for three days, then having my moms fiance' pass away and my mother in law pass away also miscarraying our very first pregnancy,give my second child a whole in her heart that isn't getting bigger (but its also not gettting smaller) and so much more that the list could go on and on and on..

But then I think to myself, this God also let my daughter that was born early catch up to normal kids her age within four months, gave me the best husband on earth (I don't care what you think about him either), three beautiful daughters, pretty flowers to look at every year, a house to live in, a mom who would die for me at the drop of a hat, and even though I only had my dad and brother for a short time, they were the best dad and brother ever, the sun comes up every day and the moon comes out every night. I thank someone  or something for this every day.

I know that if you believe in heaven then you have to believe in hell.. right? So if we are lucky enough to make it to heaven (which I am sure 98.99% of won't make it there) but if you are lucky enough to make it there then what.. you are there forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.. I think you get the picture. How would you never not get bored? But I do hope and believe that I will someday see my dad, brother, friends, mother in law and so may friends and family that I have lost or not even met for that matter.

Hell.. damnnation.. burning, suffering, heat, sweat, miserary.. that is not a place I want to go or even want to think about. Why would a God want to send anyone to such a horible place? Unless you are rapest, molester, killer, something crazy and actually deserving to be in a place like that. Then you can go down there and rot!

Anyways, sorry got carried away there for a minute.

I want the answer to the whys and what ifs.. But that is another story for another time.

NO I am not a God hater, I just am open to understanding how we got here and became what we are and why...

A slap in the face.. *SmAck*

So I take my husband to the hospital yesterday and I talk to the Dr. in the hallway..

Dr. "M'am if you would of waited any longer to bring your husband in, he could of lost his hand, arm or very possibly his life."

Me: *starts balling like a baby* "I didn't know I am so sorry!"

Dr: "He is her now and as long as he stays he will be fine, its just a matter of when."

I tell you what, if I needed an eye opener or heart attack they could of skiped that one to do it to me!

I do love and appreciate my husband, but not until then did I realize how much! I want to give a shot out to you single mothers, the ones who actually do do it on there own, everyday. It is HARD!! But it is fun being just the girls at the same time. Tomorrow we might do a mani/pedi day at home. Back to my husband, Edward. He is doing fine but won't be coming home until the earliest Friday. They have him on three iv antibitoics and twice a day they put him under, open the wound and flush it out with a antibiotic spray. I say we go out drinking more often! LoL NOT! We are good for a very long time!

Happy birthday to me.. *hAhA*

So April 2 I officially jumped into my 'late twenties' which didn't bug me as bad as turning 25. Why did 25 bug me so much I do not know, but it did.. it crept up on me and then BaNg pOw guess what, in no way what-so-ever are you even close to being let alone thinking you are still in your teens. My teens.. the days I do but don't miss everyday.. So, I turned 26 on Saturday. Now let me be honest with you, five years or earlier Nick and I would of jumped to get drunk and go to a party. But in the last five years we have only drank about 5 times. So, this being my first year out of two that I haven't been pregnant and my birthday being a Saturday that we were gonna live it up and paint the town.. Which we did, or well Edward and his friends did. LoL I was pretty content not drinking to much because I have been out twice in the last three months and got the 'partying' out of my system. lol At Waves they have power hour 2.00 you call 'em shots. Well those boys showed that bar how to power that hour, which later resulted in our friend losing our phone and Edward and David getting into a fist fight inside my step mom-in-laws house, knocking chairs over, breaking a picture and leaving both people bleeding and one with stitches. The one with stitches is... *TaDa* The one who is married with three kids.. my husband, Edward. What hand did he hurt? *TaDa* His right hand, and he happens to be right handed! *SnAp cRacKLe pOp* Now I am stuck doing everything! Happy birthday to me!! LoL Today is has tried helping more but we found out that he has a bad infection and needs antibitoics so he should be good tomorrow, I hope!! I don't know how you single mothers out there do it, honestly. Its only been two full days for me and I already want to run away on the nearest train passing my house! LoL Even though shit got crazy I still love my husband and like my friend. What am I really upset about..
Cover your eyes its about to get dirty...

The drunkin sex I missed out on! LoL My goal was to meet up with this hot married guy who has dark hair and dark eyes. A married man you say.. YES!! But he is married to ME so that makes it okay.. :) I still find my husband extremly sexy after nine years of being together (oh hay, that is today!)! Although lucky for him he wasn't the one who carried three children in his body, got stretch marks, saggy boobs (c'mon if you have more then one kid you know what I'm talking about), a complex about how he looks every time he looks in the mirror, I am the one who deals with this. I love the stretch marks as they remind me that I can grow people, beautiful people but I hate them because they are on my body lol Edward does a good job at making me feel sexy, but how can you feel 100% sexy about yourself when you, yourself don't find yourself sexy.. is this making sence?? BACK TO THE POINT! I was so looking forward to having that drunking, crazy, do it anywhere, hard, wild and dirty sex.. and I didnt get it! Now my husband is currently crippled for the moment and I am still waiting..lmao I <3 you Edward forever and always, even though you can drive me crazy.. I'm forever youuuuurrss, faithfully! (Sorry I am a sucker for Journey music)

Another good day but after a bad start

So I got next to no sleep last night. For about a week Marie has been very hard to get asleep and stay asleep but last night was the worst. Not only was she awake until 3am but she also wouldn't stop crying. So after going to bed after three, back up at five to feed her and back up at eight with the other kids. My husband decided to get up after noon again and to top it off he woke up being a asshole. I won't get into details but it resulted in me taking the kids and telling him I won't be back all day until he can learn to stop being such a prick. That resulted in us being gone for two and a half hours and that was mostly because of a doctors appointment. My friend I would normally visit, Victoria, is gone for awhile because her daughter had back surgery today. I had no where to go lol Got back and things were good!

Being honest..

Today I finally told my mother about how I felt about some things. I think we both got our feelings hurt but in the end I think more good came from it, I hope. It felt good to finally say a few things that I despertly needed to get out of my mind and off of my chest.

I love you mom, I hope you know that! :)

Its getting better all the time..

Things are going a lot better then they were a couple nights ago. Nacole is listening better, a little. lol  At least she isn't making me want to pull my hair out so that is good. lol Today is mostly Grace, my one year old. She doesn't talk much but she likes to scream. Scream for food, drinks, toys, help, to let you know something isn't right and so much more. She does know how to say more but its more like "mow-uh" so that sounds like a broken record sometimes. lol I love it though, all of it. Even those days that I want to pull out my hair. Marie, the baby has been very fussy lately at night. I think she is getting her days and nights mixed up.

Friday night I went out on another much needed Friday night out with muh lady, Jamie Youngman. It was intended to be "just a couple drinks" for a hour or so and it turned into me not returning for hours, drunk to wear I don't remember things, and coming home at 2:30 am with a note on my bedroom window from my mother talking about how her idea of a lil while and mine were completly different...opps I guess. lol But I had fun, except for the hangover and fuzziness.

I have been looking into my life and why I am so depressed with it lately and I think I have nailed it down to a couple specific things. 1. no job. I love working and have worked in a local movie store off and on for five years. Off being when I was pregnant and being prego two years in a row didn't help me the last two years so now I got to wait for someone to leave before I can return. So I guess this week is serious job hunting time! 2. This weather! When the sun doesn't shine for so long and you can't go outside whenever you want I honestly believe it changes how you feel. And for me it makes me lazy and sleepy and with three kids that is not good!! 3. I need more positive and less negative in my life. In all areas of my life.

Hopefully things will be looking up!

Really?! I have never been so embaressed in my life!

A look into a day of my life.. prepare yourself..

 Yesterday a friend of ours we have not seen in awhile stoped by. Since I last talked to them we have had two more daughters and officially gotten married. So Edward gets a phone call, a friend needs his help. My first thought as he leaves is please hurry. Not even 15 minutes after he walks out the door Nacole thinks it will be funny to try and undermine everything I say. She starts sticking this wand thing in my face so I ask her nicely a couple times to stop, after thinking it is funnier and funnier to her I take it away and put it up out of reach. This then leads to histaricle crying/screaming/whining a bunch of "I hate you moms", "i want my daddy", then on top of it my 3 month old, Marie starts screaming because by now Kailynne and I have woke her up our screaming because by now I am about ready to strangle her as she hits me and screams like a wounded coyote all because she just wouldn't listen. So I pick up Marie trying to get her calmed down while my friend is looking at me with the look of "man I do not wish I was you, not even for a second." Finally I grab Nacole by her arm and escort her in the bedroom, with a three month old in my left arm, a four year old fighting me with my right arm, I finally get her in the room and tell her she better not come out until she can act respectful. Ok at this point I have the situation contained.. until.. remember I told you my mom lives with us.. so the situation is contained until my mom decides to open her bedroom door and yell "wtf is going on here? Why are you always fighting with Nacole? NACOLE! Come hang out with Grandma honey. I will be nice to you." OMG! Are you fucking serious? You did not just come out and yell at me in front of my friend about how I am dicaplining my kid who is getting out of control when I had the situation under control!! So now my friend is looking at me like "omg I can't believe your mom just did that." I tell her.. "Welcome to my life."

You see I have a mother whom I honestly think sometimes thinks that I hate my oldest child, when that is FARTHEST from the truth. Do I get disgureged sometimes, yes, do I lose my temper sometimes, yes, do I wish she would listen to me, yes. Does that mean I don't love her, NO! That girl is my world and I look at how smart and beautiful she is and I want her to take on this thing we call life and beat it in the head and show the world she is better then greentown michigan!! You see Nacole is 4, but she thinks it is okay to hit, scream when she doesn't get her way, a LOT of the time when you ask her to do something, or not do something for that matter and she will go out of her way to do the oppisite of what was said. I know she is a kid, but kids I know listen to their parents. But in my case it is just me she won't listen to, she wouldn't dare pull this when her dad is around. I don't mean to be venting about Nacole when it is really my mom I need to vent about. Do I think Nacole would behave different if grandma wasn't there to yell at me for yelling at her or making comments under her breath all the time that she thinks my husband and I can't hear about how "mean we are" to one kid but not the other? Did I mention there is a 3 year age difference between my oldest and middle child? So yes I do treat them different because you can't punish a one year old and a four year old the same way, can you? I mean at four you know certin things are bad/naughty and you shouldn't do them, at one you are learning what you can and can't do. So yes, when Grace and Marie start talking and being mouthy and not listen they will get in the same amount of trouble. I love my mother do death, she has been threw hell and back in her lifetime, but my only wish would be for the comments and undermining to STOP!!!!! But I don't see that happening because I have asked more then once and it still continues.. Anyways, by the time Nacole was done throwing her fit and my mom embaressing me and my friend was ready to leave I was so embarresed, oh and at this point Edward decides to walk threw the door and the kids all act like nothing happened and that mom was about to enroll herself in the nearest nut house. LoL

What scares me most..?

I do NOT want my kids to be kids that you don't want to be around, you know what I am talking about. Right now Nacole gets very bossy when she has friends over, she is always in your face when she talks to you. I, as a mother, only want my children to be there best selfs. I try to teach my daughters that there are certin things as ladies we don't do and as a kid there are a lot of times you are going to be told no, not because I don't love them, but because I don't want them to think the world owes them anything, I want them to know you work for what you want, you show respect for people or you will not get respect back, keep a clean bedroom will help you keep a clean house when you grow up, ya know? The ways of life.. Your not gonna be a kid forever. I LOVE YOU NACOLE, GRACE, AND MARIE SO MUCH, YOU GIRLS ARE MY WORLD AND I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOU, REACH FOR THE STARS AND BLOW EM UP, SHOW THIS WORLD HOW BRIGHT YOU CAN SHINE!

sorry but I really needed a venting post..

a little into high school...

 I attended BHS for my first semester of high school. After that I went to an alternative high school that I gratuated from. I will say there are some ups and downs about attending an alternative high school. First let me say that yes there were some, but very few kids that were very bad that were sent there, but for the most part besides the education it was a good school. I have met some of my best friends at that school and even though some of them I don't talk to as much I would like. The first friend (don't think I am gonna get into all my friends, just a couple important ones) I would like to mention is "Mike." This is how Mike and I met.. I was attending school for a few weeks and I didn't really talk to anyone, seriously. Not because I was rude, I just didn't feel very comfterable with myself at that age/stage in my life. Anyhow back to how we met..

Mike: "You know everyone at this school thinks your a stuck up bitch?"

Me: silence

Mike: "Well just so you know we are going to sit at this table everyday and bug you until you talk to me." (There were two people that did this to me, but Mike did most the talking)

Me: Silence

About a week went by until we had this conversation

Mike rambling on about something. He would sit there and just start talking like we were best friends..

Me: "Don't you ever shut the hell up?"

Mike: "Yes I do.." he says..

Me: "OMG you are so annoying.."

From that day we started talking and to this day we are still best friends. I love you JC and not in a omg gross way but glad your my brother kind of way. Through him I met my future friends and through those friends I found my future husband. Anyways.. JC and I have laughed, cried, introduced our moms who became friends, but never has it been anything more. Willl TRY to finish later.. sorry i get bored after awile lol

Marriage via two

  There are lies and there are secrets.. is there really a difference? I believe the answer is yes and no. I look back on the nine years Edward and I have been together and there are two things that I think he would be disapointed in me, but he doesn't know, so is that bad? You wanna know what they are dont ya? Well just like him you will never know. ;) OR maybe when I can man-up I will tell him and maybe you.. but don't expect it for a long time to come and don't think it is cheating or anything that comes close to it so don't get your panties in a bunch. But I sit here with these two secrets and wonder, does he have any from me? It hurts me to think that he would, but then we all have our own secrets. I don't believe I have ever lied to him though, a real lie.. I might do a little white lie and say "I'm passing century place" when I am really just leaving Meijer parking lot...lol But never have I lied to him to cause him pain or heartach. I am very proud of this. I love this man and wouldn't know what to do without him!!

Edward who...? Amanda who...?

When I met Edward I had dated but never actually done it with anyone. When Edward met me, from what I have heard, he had 'been around the block' so to say but never had a girlfriend. When they say opposites attract, could they be right? lol Teen years for me were school work, ocasional drunkin' night, lots of friends coming to my house to hang out and play games, watch movies, whatever.. Edwards teen years consisted of girls, alcohol, drugs, girls, friends and who the hell honestly know what else lol One night some friends needed a place to drink (because we were all under age shhhh if my kids ask I never did bad things..ever!! lol Anyhow it was our first time meeting and I swear the moment I seen him I knew that man was going to have a impact on my life!! And he did/does!!  Will finish my point later right now I got three beautiful girls crying lol
   

Turning points..

I have nailed my life down to a few turning points. First would be when I was seven and my dad and brother passed away, although we have kind of touched base about this once.. Next would be when I found out I was pregnant right out of high school, then having my mother in law pass away and then losing the baby two weeks after her. Then it would be turning 21 and finding out you are pregnant two weeks later, then learning that your cervix doesn't want to hold the baby 'up' so you get put on bed rest to have your water break 6 weeks early, having a baby that you can't take home with you. And let me tell you there is no worse feeling then knowing you have to leave this beautiful thing you created at the hospital for two weeks so she can get strong enough to come home. A week after birth I had 5 seizures due to eclampsia (not pre-clampsia) and got readmited. We both got to go home together three days later. But I look back at my pictures of my 21st birthday and I look at that as the last time I got to be 'me.' The old me.. After that birthday my life was about to change so much and I didn't have a clue. FIve years later my boyfriend whom I was begining to wonder if he was ever gonna man up and propose got married and we have three wonderful daughters. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing!! That little 5lb baby has grown into a beautiful four year old, my one year old walks around always trying to get naked and yelling "Mia" or "more" and my three month old is the spitting image of her middle sister in looks but in attitude she is just like her big big sister Nacole.
  Life has thrown us many curve balls but we come out swinging... homeruns!!

Part two to my advice section will be posted soon..

Its going on nine years!! :) Some marriage "advice" part uno one

 As I have stated before I met Edward when I was 17 and he 18. So no joke this April we will be celebrating nine years together. I love this man with all my heart and soul, I can't imagine him not being in my life, he is my best friend and the one I rely on when times get tough. Yes all that is 100% true, but I can also say that there are times when he is a self centered ass, piss me off so bad I just wanna grab the closest pan and knock him out (no I have never actually done this), and there are times I want to tell him to get out and leave. But the thing about it is that I love him and he loves me and we know how to get under each others skin. Just because you argue or think these things doesn't mean you should call it quits and leave, that is not always the easiet option no matter how much you think it is.
  I look at a lot of my friends and so many of them are fighting and calling it quits or thinking about it. When you get into those fights or disagrements know that it is okay, it is normal. Look back on the day you met, your wedding day, the birth of your children, the birthday parties, holidays, remember those memories and think to yourself that you will not be making those memories anymore. There have been many times it probably would of been a lot easier to walk away and leave, but we didn't. We toughed out that road called life and gave her a slap in the face! You can't break us down and I hope the same goes for you in your relationship. More to come...
Mrs. Beechum
  

Mommy got to be a woman for one night...finally!!

Nacole, Grace and Marie (in order of age). Those three little girls are my world. My life, every decision I make, everything I do revolves around them. Some days I love it and some days I don't. I think if all mother were completly honest with themselfs, they would say the same thing. But there are only three people in this world I would give my life for without a single hesitation and those are the three little girls you see at the top of this post.


*momma got to be a woman for one night... finally*

My husband has a friend he grew up with and they each others best mans in each others weddings. "Lynel" and "Jessie" are there names. There daughter is friends with my daughter (and I can't believe that my oldest daughter has her "own" set of friends). So the other night Jessie calls and asked to go out. So Edward went and hung out with Lynel while we walked across the street to one of the local bars. First I want to send out a major thank you to Mrs. JY!! I love ya and had so much fun, you don't even know!! We got there and started with a cocktail followed by a couple shots. Had another drink followed by freezing our asses off to have a ciggerette, yes I know, bad habbit. After a few more shots I finally got the nerve to dance. The night resulted in someone stealing my liter and all my cigs but one half of a cig I had left, one of my bff's baby dady hitting on me (eww gross and LAME in more then just one way), Jessie and I showing back up to her place and me remembering bits and peices of laughing like I haven't laughed in awhile, picking on Lynel about going bald, and wanting burger king. But the point is I got to feel like the old me, and I havent been able to be her in awhile. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I define myself as the old me and the new me. Like there is a speciffic moment that "changed" me. But there isn't. Life just happens and you deal with what you were dealt and you learn from it or you don't. Being the old me was fun for the night, but I love being the new me.

A couple things i take pride in..

Tonight I am going to tell you about things that I take pride in being and not being as a person. I do not consider myself a jelouse person. Although there were a couple girls over the nine years I have been with Edward that have made me try my tolerence with them.. First there was 'Vicki' whom had some real nice quads and she new that Edward liked them.. So that turned into her coming to our house with those stupidly fun things and after awhile I got pissy and put a stop to that. No I was not jelous in all honesty, but come on, who does that..
  Then there was 'Ruby'. She really is not worth talking to much about.. lol She learned that no girl has nothing on me when it comes to HIM.
  We also know a person whom I will call 'Sally' in this post.. she likes to call my husband when there are problems or things that need to be done around her place. Although most of that was about two years ago and I put an end to that right away... he has to much shit to do at OUR house. :) I am not the type to get jealous if he glances at a girl now and then (he knows I do this to, but with men) I dont care if a girl is naked on tv or half naked on tv or in a magazine.. they cant jump out and hump him from those pages. lol The point is that threw the girls who have TRIED to take him from me have failed.. and some of the guys over the nine years that have tried to get me all failed. I truely believe it is because we have trust, communication and respect for one another. I believe that I am one of very few woman who can honestly say that I believe with all my heart that I have a husband who will never cheat on me, hurt me, leave me and our children or do anything that would wreck what we have.

Another thing that I take pride in is not being a controling psycho wife as he is not a controlling psyco husband. I will stay with the kids while he goes and does things with his friends and I know that he would do the same, but here is the problem.. I have no friends. Well at least none that are just MINE. I do have one frined, Leigh, whom we have had a rocky relationship but it seems to be getting better although half the time she is staying up north with her fiance. Then there is Micheal, he has been there for me threw so much and he is my bff!! He never judges me and always gives his opinion weather it will hurt or not. He is honest and I love just like a brother and he knows it. But I have no chilrhood friends that know me from when I was a kid and did stupid things. lol I miss them.. anyways, off track.. tonight I had a little 'pitty party' I got upset because his friend invited him over to do guy things and I kinda freaked out, its not like he does this all the time. But when is it my turn? I have had three children in five years and pregnant for the last two. I love my kids to death but when is it my turn to forget I am a wife and a mother (for pretend for just one night) and have fun?? lol My birthday is on a Saturday this year.. I will be 26. I want to party, I don't care if it is at the bar or at my house with some close friends and family. I just want to have fun and party, but I got ten bucks that says it will be another night in, like every night.. lol

about me.. take two

We found out we were pregnant with Grace about four months before we were set to get married. Meanwhile at the same time the company we worked went under and work become few and far between until eventually there was no work. I had to leave work because with what happened with Nacole and that pregnancy they were not sure how this pregnancy was going to go. We got married and had Grace in November. I went back to work at the movie store and Nick was doing tree work and other part time jobs. Things seemed to be back on a normal track until.. SUPRISE!! Pregnant with #3 while #2 was only 6 months old. Ok, so I had to leave work, again, because one pregnancy was not so good while the other went 100% fine they didn't know which way this one would go. All my kids are 100% healthy and the last two pregnancies went full term and made me miserably happy to the end!

Our family expanded in a huge way in a small time. Everyday is different and everyday is the same. I'm not back at the movie store because now I have to wait for someone else to leave. So now I am back in the job hunting position and the tree co. Edward worked for went under..go figure. lol Anyways, thats all I feel like sharing about everything now.

We actually had a calm, relaxing, everything was done and warm at the same time and we got to sit down and eat together dinner. Very nice!! I look at my beautiful girls and how they amaze me in the ways they are different and the same. I look at my husband and thank God that I have a man whom I completly trust, love, admire and respect. I have my wonderful mother, who yes can sometimes drives me to wits end, but I love her so much and also respect and admirer her! Thank you to all that are wonderful in my life.

Now everyone is in bed and now its Edward and I time..

A look into me and how I got to where I am.. part 1

Childhood

Let me start with the earliest life changing event that I can remember.. the death of my wonderful daddy and little brother. What can I remember about that day, honestly not much.. My dad, aunt, brother, mom and I were taking my mom the college and then the rest of us were going to go to mcdonalds. Fast forward past droping her off and another driver fell asleep came in our lane since my dad and brother were on the drivers side and my aunt and I were on the passenger side, he hit the while drivers side and killed my dad and brother instantly. I was seven years old when I realized my life was going to be changed forever, that daddy's don't live forever, that at some point you must learn to let go, that life isn't innocent anymore.. I wonder to myself sometimes if I would be a different person if that event in my life never happened. My mother fell into a deep depression, which is understandable losing five year old son and a husband at the same time at the tender age of 26. So I made friends, some wonderful friends, who helped me threw it and kept me busy. Thank you to LV, MS, TWS, and EC. Anyways, this wasn't to have you feel pitty for me, I am strong and don't need pitty. I told you this to hopefully help you understand how I got to be.. well.. me.

Teenager..*yay*

They say that statistics show when a younger girl looses her dad at a young age most of them tend to turn into, whats the word.. for lack of a better word at the moment, sluts. I guess they try to "find" there dad in other men, or probably just to find a male that would love her. Now back to the point.. I wasn't that girl, I never slept around but i did 'date' a lot. When I was 15 I met a guy who just hit 17 and he liked me, I was on top of the world. DN won my heard with his personality, charm, he had a job at Meijer, was working on getting his lisence.. he was my first 'love'. We dated for about 7 months and then he dumped me because I wasn't ready to have sex yet. So then it was on to the next one..lol I met another guy DB whom I dated off and on for awhile and went to our first homecoming together, then there was CH. The problem was I always liked him and he only liked me when i had a boyfriend and then didn't when i was single. There were a series of guys I went threw until my friend brought over Edward one night. He was about to turn 18 and I 17. We started dating very soon after meeting that night. He eventually moved in with me, it made sense since he was spending every night there anyway. When we were 19 and 20 we found out that we were pregnant. It was a big shock as I just finished school and he was still trying to figure out what to do with his life. A few weeks later his passed away in a car accident and a couple weeks after that we miscarried that baby. That was also very devastating because I was finally ready to enjoy the pregnancy since the shock of getting pregnant was over. Finally he landed a job with his step dad traveling the country and building modular offices and I got hired into Ponderosa at age 18 and had been working there for a few years..

Womanhood

 So Nick was working his traveling job and I was content for two years at Ponderosa. Until I got bored with it and went to rent a movie at a locally owned place here in town and they needed help. So I applied for the job, interviewed and got the job the same day.. Goodbye pondergrossa, with crappy pay and tips (wtf tips at an all you can eat buffet, let me tell you.. not many people) and hello easy breezy movie store. So I have worked there off and on since i was 20. The reason I say off and on is because when I was 18 i had pre-cervical cancer, they took it out and told me I was fine. Until I got pregnant with "nacole" at age 21 (2006) and they realized my cervix wasn't holding up so I went on bed rest and had her a month and half early, to have 5 seizures 1 week later while she was the NICU. When everyone was healthy I went back to work. Finally in 2007 Edward asked me to marry him at his family Christmas. The big day was set for May 30, 2009. In November of 2008 we got pregnant with "Grace."....

gonna have to stop for now because kids are getting fussy.. finish later..

before and after

Do you ever find yourself defining your life by before and afters? Like before I was a mom I would go out and party all the time, do whatever whenever, after kids.. ha better have a family member who wants them all, or find multiple family members who wants one or two while someone else takes the others, then make sure your other friends don't have their kids, plus make sure no one has to work the morning, so yeah by the time I finish the list it turns into another night in. Then it turns into so many nights in that you don't know what to do when you actually get a night out. Or before I was a wife (since I met my husband at 17, although we didn't marry till two years ago, i guess my "husbands girlfriend" would be more appropriate) I dated guys like every other week lol Please don't mistake me for someone who slept around because my husband has been and is the only one.. I never thought for a second I would actually meet someone i would fall in love with and never want to leave. Then one night a friend of mine brought him over, and I knew at that moment that he was going to have a major impact on my life. A couple weeks after we met we started dating. A month later he got me "hooked" we will call it.. At age 18 and 19 we miscarried a baby, at 21 and 22 we gave birth to our four year old, at 24 and 25 and pregnant with number two we got married and at 25 and 26 we welcomed our last child. Threw the years we have gained children, a nephew, step parents, friends, jobs, love, and trust.. threw the years we have lost parents, friends, jobs, family has gotten seperated from one another and I look back on it all and wonder how do we get here? I miss so many of my friends and family (both those you can and can't come back) how do we get back to where we were.. Then there are the moments that take your breath away and you remember know matter what happens, it is all worth it.

they can't all be gone at once..

Tonight my husbands dad called, which usually only happens when he wants something. My oldest daughter ask if she could spend the night, and to my suprise he didn't have excuse, he said yes. Then she asked if her middle sister could stay and much to my suprise he said yes. So its just the baby tonight. I'm sure, kind of, that he would of took the baby to. Its funny, you'd think that with the more kids you have the easier it would be to let them go. That is far from the truth. Other things I am not so picky with with the third one as I was the first. With Kailynne I would run at the moment she cried for anything, which has turned around to bite me in the "ash-trey." That just led to her thinking I will do everything for her at her command. With Liz it doesn't bug me so bad to let her a minute or two before I go running to her, I might not run and bleach and wash her pacifier every single time it falls on the floor like I did Kailynne. Now that Liz is a little over two months old she is awake more, fussy more, and wants to be held more. I love holding her, but when you have a four year old who thinks the world revolves around her, a one year old who won't talk but screams whenever she wants something, which is all the time, its hard to hold a baby 24/7. I am sure that all will turn out fine and everyone will live threw this time. I'm just not sure I will.. lol Hey, it can only get better :)

Its Valentines Day part one

So today is Valentines Day and we have absolutly nothing planned. Now last night I was going to make steak, potatos and green beans. To only find out our puppy ate all my poatos while we were sleeping. So we ended up eating frozen chicken strips and hot pockets. I honestly was about to cry, I know, it sounds childish. I really wanted those damn mashed potatos. So tonight we are going to have our steak, potatos and beans. Hopefully. I woke up in a good mood and energized. I want to show everyone in my family how much they mean to me today. Expecially my husband. Because without him I would not be me, I would not have the three wonderful daughters that I have. We both have our moments, but our love always comes through. I never thought I would say that I needed someone, but I do. I need him. I love him. I don't know who I would be without him.. Going to go live out my day and tell you about it later.

This doesn't happen often..

   Everyone was up by nine thirty and fed, dressed and diapers changed by noon. Of course after her bottle, Liz falls asleep. Taylor was sitting at the high chair with her lunchable, and after only three minutes she fell asleep in the high chair. We took a picture of it, it was just to adorable. Nick got her moved into her bed. Kailynne asked if she could lay in there room and watch T.V. After promising to not play and be loud we laid her down to watch All Dogs go to Heaven 2. Within twenty minutes.. the big event.. all three kids are sleeping!! Amazing. This does not happen often. For some reason I find myself wondering what to do with myself when they are all sleeping or gone. Should I do someting I enjoy or take a much needed nap. Today I think I am going to take some me time and paint my nails without anyone bothering me. Goodbye for now..

25.. Now what?

  Kid 1 is at her Aunt Sams. Kid two is eating with her dad. Kid three is in her crib sleeping. Kids are Kailynne who is four, Taylor who is one and Elizabeth who is two months old. All girls.
  I wonder to myself sometimes, when did we become him and I to a family of five. Where does the time go? How do we go from being teenagers in school worrying about which guys liked us, our test on Fridays, why are friends are mad at us, or which style was in to paying bills, making sure the kids are in school and on time, what or who is cooking dinner tonight? I know we live through these things so we know how we got to where we are, but when you look back, it went by so fast. Sometimes I still feel sixteen, then we run into something and its like.. wait a minute, I'm almost twenty-six. I have wanted to blog, but don't know exactly what to blog about. I hope I don't bore you with my random thoughts and how I am coping with being in my mid twenties. Enjoy and keep following.