Dear Daddy..

Dear Daddy,
  You are in heaven and I assuming that they do not have the world wide web, unless they have upgraded like the rest of the world. Today is your birthday and I wish so very much that you could be here to play with my children, meet my husband, laugh with me and make my mother smile again. When you get down to the nitty gritty I can wish all I want in one hand and shit in the other and I guarente that I know which hand will fill up faster.
   There are so many things that I want to say to you. I miss you so bad it hurts somedays. I get mad at you some days to be quit honest. I know if you would of had the choice that you would not have left. But you did leave. You weren't there to give me advice on boys, help with homework, comfort my fears,  lecture my boyfriend before prom, hold my children, give me away at my wedding, teach me how to drive, there is so much that you have missed and I would give up so much for you to tell me that I will be okay. Hug me, kiss me, hold me. My inner child still needs you. I am not really mad at you, but at the situation I was forced to go threw.
  I was in that car with you. I lived. Why couldn't you? (this goes for you to Aldon). What did I do so wrong that I deserved to lose you at such a young age. I know we grow up and die. That is life. But you are not supossed to go until you are old and I am grown up. Not when I was a seven year old little girl who didnt even know what death was, let alone comprehend a parent dieing. Guess what, no matter how bad you want your dad he isn't coming... ever.
   I don't let this happen very often, but about once a year I break down and really let myself feel like pain of losing you. Its always there, but after years of you being gone the pain gets better and you get so busy you forget how much it hurts. Then something important happens and it hits you like a mack truck. The pain is there and fresh, just like the first day it happend. I think my breakdown day is coming up. There is so much going wrong in my life right, I just need you to tell me that it will be okay.
  I don't know if you know this but something else that buggs the hell out of me, is I never dream about you. That is what hurts the most. My mom dreams about you, they may not always be good dreams, but you are there, in her dreams, not mine. I don't know if you think I am not strong enough, or maybe you thnk I don't miss you enough and am not deserving of you to be in my dreams. I just don't understand it. Sometime I have one of those dreams where you are in the dream with everyone else, but you are also above, like also watching everything go on while you are doing it. Its at my my grandma and grandpa Dunhams house and there are my cousins Leroy, Shelly, Mariah, Rea and my brother and I in the back yard playing tag. We are always having so much fun, we are very young in this dream. That is the closet I get to dreaming about my brother.
  Another deep confesion to you.. I feel like I have let you down with the family. You and I both know that I do not visit your side as much as I should. It has been so long that I feel like a outsider now in the family and that pains me more then anyone will know. You are not here and my children need to see them more to understand more what there grandpa was all about and how he grew up. My children have cousin that they don't even know, they should playing together and growing up together. Things need to change, I want to know more about you.
   I think I have said most everything I have been needing to say. These things matter to me. I love you and miss you and am waiting to see you in my dreams.. Hugs from us down here on earth, give my brother a lot of love for me. As he is there with you, take care of him. All my love, your daughter..
Mrs. Beechum (all names in this post have been changed)